Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Mark Knight - Susan (John Dahlback remix)
I can't go back
And I can't go forward
I'm lost in a world
Where you belong
And I'm crying now
And I'm reaching out
I want to hold you
Make everything right
[chorus]
Susan, where have you gone?
I don't know what went wrong
But I want you to know
That you're still in my head
After all that's been said
I want you, come home (2x)
Memories
How they get to me
Time can erase
What you mean to me
And I'm crying now
And I'm reaching out
I want to hold you
Make everything right
[chorus]
Susan, come home
Susan, come home
Ooh, there's so much
That we've been through
I'm still waiting here for you
For you
[chorus] (3x)
Friday, July 18, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
The Onion: 'No Values Voters' Search For Most Evil Candidate
Both candidates are stepping up their efforts to attract crucial 'no values voters' by abusing animals and murdering the elderly.
The Onion: Tiny Dog Has Been Barking Nonstop For 6 Years
Pausing only to eat, the West Highland white terrier yips and yelps 24 hours a day, according to neighbors.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Where The Hell is Matt's Girlfriend?
Matt's first video made the world cry. This one returns the favor.
The Onion: Romney Defends Against Allegations Of Tolerance
Mitt Romney's candidacy took a major hit following the discovery of statements he made a decade ago that imply he isn't sickened by gays.
(Classified) Bill Defends Against Flesh-Eating (Classified)
Rep. John Haller (R-PA) introduces a bill that will allocate (classified) dollars over the next (classified) years to fight flesh-eating (classified).
The Onion: Country Music Stars Challenge Al-Qaeda
A group of country music's biggest stars have a message for terrorists: you can't hurt America by blowing up New York City.
The Onion: Fat Kid Avoids Ridicule By Swimming With Shirt
Today Now! brings you the inspiring story of Brian Peete, a fat boy who hid his obesity from other children at the pool by keeping his shirt on.
The Onion: Mean Automakers Dash Hope For Flying Cars
Onion News Network anchor Brandon Armstrong argues passionately for the existence of flying cars.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
The Onion: Memorial Honors Victims Of Imminent Dam Disaster
Officials in California dedicated the Folsom Dam Memorial, which will honor the nearby residents that will die when the faulty dam fails.
Al Qaeda Also Fed Up With Ground Zero Construction Delays
With the reconstruction of Ground Zero finally underway, anchor Brandon Armstrong invites two guests to discuss the progress.
The Onion: Breaking News - Something Happening In Haiti
Important news out of Haiti's capital today. The Onion's Don Abrams reports live.
The Onion: All Online Data Lost After Internet Crash
Breaking News, officials confirm that all online data has been lost after the Internet crashed and was forced to restart.
The Onion: NASCAR Coach Reveals Winning Strategy: Drive Fast
On the eve of the Sears Classic 500, legendary NASCAR coach Dan Amon shares his strategy for driving really fast in circles.
The Onion: Situation In Nigeria Seems Pretty Complex
In The Know: Panelists discuss the complicated issues facing Nigeria or Niger.
The Onion: Ninja Parade Slips By Town Unnoticed Once Again
Modesto, CA residents turned out for the city's annual Ninja Parade, where no ninjas were seen for the 30th year in a row.
The Onion: World's Oldest Neurosurgeon Turns 100
Nothing can stop Carl Wainwright from doing what he loves best -- performing surgery on the human brain.
The Onion: Tell-All Book Reveals Wrestling Fans Are Fake
A professional wrestling "fan" has written a shocking new book that claims wrestling fans are actually paid actors.
The Onion: Response To Opinions Of Our Uninformed Viewers
Viewer Voices: The Onion News Network's Brandon Armstrong responds to viewers' emails, texts, and chats--no matter how inane.
The Onion:Is The Government Spying On Schizophrenics Enough?
In The Know: Panelists discuss ways to care for the nation's paranoid schizophrenics, such as hiding cameras in their homes or audio transmitters in their ears.
The Onion: More Candidates Court Fat Vote
Presidential candidates are reaching out to fat voters on the campaign trail by eating large amounts of food.
The Onion: Concentric Circles Emanating From Glowing Red Dot
Experts are still trying to determine the effect of the concentric circles on the long squiggly green objects located in the blue area.
The Onion: Traveler Entrances Town With Vision Of Future
In Hastings, NY, an enigmatic man appeared suddenly, beckoning people to join his quest for a world free of despair as he shook hands and kissed newborns.
The Onion: Cheadle Planned Darfur Genocide To Create Role
UN officials confirmed that Hotel Rwanda star Don Cheadle funded the genocide in Darfur for the purpose of starring in a film about the tragedy.
The Onion: Female Scientists Say Domestic Abuse Not Problem
According to a team of female researchers who all recently sustained injuries due to various accidents, domestic abuse does not exist.
The Onion: Representative To Rid Congress Of Gang Members
Live From Congress: According to Congressman Porter, gang members have infiltrated our neighborhoods, our schools, and even the Capitol.
The Onion: Lilly Wins Best Wet T-Shirt Fight Scene
Today Now!'s own Tracy Gill attended the Strong Women in TV Awards, which proves women on TV can be attractive and sexy.
The Onion: 'Just Give Me The Damn Sepak Takraw Ball'
Sepak takraw fan favorite Nguyen Thi Buch Thuy has once again angered Coach Lap with his antics on the pitch.
The Onion: Child Bankrupts Make-A-Wish Foundation
Today Now! has the story of an 8-year-old whose demand for never-ending wish fulfillment may force the Make-A-Wish Foundation to shut down.
Iraqi Law Requires Waiting Period For Suicide Vests
Panelists discuss whether stringent new suicide-vest laws would make sure only responsible people blow themselves up.
The Onion: Online Dating Streamlines Rejection For Women
Websites like Match.com allow sad, lonely women all over the country to invite pain and rejection into their lives with just a few clicks of the mouse.
The Onion: Candidates Compete For Vital Idgit Vote
Panelists discuss the "idgit," or idiot, voter -- the unpredictable, uninformed demographic that invariably decides elections.
The Onion: Expert Wasted Entire Life Studying Anteaters
Today Now! host Jim Haggerty consoles a severely depressed zoologist on the latest Critter Corner installment.
The Onion: White House Announces 'Everything Great In Iraf'
Panelists discuss why the media and public are not paying more attention to the overwhelming success of the U.S.'s invasion of Iraf.
The Onion: U.S. Shocked Andorra Not In Africa
The United States gave billions of dollars in aid to the wealthy European principality of Andorra, which it mistakenly assumed was a poor African country.
Rep. Nelson Proposes The Gary Nelson Personal Pay Raise Bill
Congressman Gary Nelson has an economic plan to raise his family's standard of living.
The Onion: Device Prevents Nick Nolte From Driving
The Department Of Transportation unveiled a new mandatory safety system designed to protect American drivers by keeping Nick Nolte off the road.
The Onion: 'Gays Too Precious To Risk In Combat'
Gen. McBrayer discusses how valuable homosexuals are, and why we must never put their lives at risk by allowing them in the military.
The Onion: Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 08 Election
Embarrassed Diebold officials apologized after one of their electronic voting machines prematurely revealed the winner of our upcoming sham election.
Friday, July 11, 2008
The Onion: Should Animals Be Doing More For Animal Rights?
Panelists discuss whether animals should play a more active role in the fight for their rights by participating in marches or organizing boycotts
The Onion: How Can We Make The War In Iraq More Eco-Friendly
Panelists discuss ways to wage a greener war in Iraq, such as driving biodegradable tanks and shocking detainees' testicles with wind power.
FCC Okays Nudity On TV If It's Alyson Hannigan
An FCC official clarifies new broadcasting regulations that clear the way for more nude scenes featuring the beautiful, auburn-haired Alyson Hannigan.
The Onion: Queen Will Leave Behind Long Legacy Of Waving
As Queen Elizabeth II becomes the oldest reigning monarch in British history, we take a look at some of her most significant waving moments.
The Onion: Many U.S. Parents Outsourcing Child Care Overseas
Report: Due to rising domestic wages, many American parents are saving money by using unregulated overseas workers.
Poll: Bullshit Is Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters
For a majority of likely voters, meaningless bullshit will be the most important factor in deciding who they will vote for in 2008.
The Onion: Kim Jong-Il's Approval Rating Plummets to 120%
Panelists discuss the political repercussions of a new poll showing Kim Jong-Il's approval rating at an all time low of 120%.
The Onion: Anonymous Hero Donates Hospital 200 Human Kidneys
Hospital officials hope to locate the good Samaritan that dropped off a sack of human organs in the middle of the night so they can thank him.
The Onion: US Schools Trail World In Child Soldier Aptitude
A shocking new study finds U.S. children lag far behind their international peers in subjects like rifle assembly and mine defusing.
The Onion: Snacks Distract Lawmakers From Horrors of War
A congressional committee discussing Iraq War casualty levels approves of the delicious chips and salsa Rep. Benjamin Sinclair (R-OH) brought to the hearing.
The Onion: Man Lives Thanks To Heart Stolen From Dead Man
Start your day with our morning show, Today Now! Join hosts Jim and Tracy as they welcome Dave Portman, a real-life Frankenstein's monster.
The Onion: Army Holds Annual Bring Your Daughter To War Day
Girls between the ages of 8 and 14 spent the day helping their parents fight insurgents and defuse mines.
The Onion: Are We Giving Robots Too Much Power?
Panelists discuss whether controversial decisions by the Robot Congress and President Executron indicate robots have too much control over our lives.
The Onion: Press Secretary Spins Wife's Death As A Positive
White House Press Secretary Ted Barrett deflects questions about the gruesome car wreck that killed his wife, instead focusing on the President's agenda.
The Onion: Rep. Ingersol's Murder of a Hobo
Congressman Robert Ingersol (R-SC) reads detailed report in the House of Representatives on his recent killing of a hobo.
The Onion: China Celebrates Status As Number One Polluter
China revels in a UN report that found it has the highest smog levels in the world, a sure sign of China's progress and prosperity.
The Onion: Tracy Gill Recommends New Tracy Gill Biography
Host Tracy Gill talks with the author of a new book about the morning show diva we all love to hate: Tracy Gill.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
The Onion: Reporters Blow Up Plane, Expose Security Lapses
271 are dead after an Onion News Network Special Investigative Report on airport security.
The Onion: '9/11 Conspiracy Theories Ridiculous' - Al Qaeda
An Al Qaeda representative says that claims the U.S. government was behind the attacks on Sept. 11th are demeaning to Al Qaeda.
The Onion: Christian Charity Helps To Feed Non-Gay Hungry
A Colorado-based Christian charity is providing aid for any and all heterosexual Africans in need.
The Onion: Hungry FDA Official Orders Massive Pot Pie Recall
The FDA is urging all Americans in possession of flaky, delicious pot pies to turn them in to FDA headquarters as soon as possible.
How Can We Let Darfur Know How Much We're Doing For Them?
Panelists discuss the tragic lack of media access in Darfur and how we can help Darfurians realize how much we're helping them.
The Onion: Plight Of Missing Hikers Will Make Great Movie
Media speculation is rampant over what exciting action sequences and romantic subplots the hikers may be experiencing if they are still alive.
Messages From Our Troops To The Families They Can't Remember
In this Onion News Network special feature, our soldiers stationed abroad remind us there's still a war going on.
The Onion: Suspicious Package Industry Falls On Hard Times
New security measures put in place to allay terror fears are threatening to drive suspicious package retailers out of business.
The Onion: Is Our Wealth Hurting Africa's Feelings?
In The Know panelists discuss whether we should spare Africa's feelings by not telling them about the global economy.
The Onion: Human Head Found In Hamburger
An Albany, New York man was surprised to find a human head in his Double Whopper at a local Burger King.
The Onion: Congress Debates Merits Of New Catchphrase
Rep. William Cummings (D-VA) defends his use of the slang word "pronk" as a legitimate catchphrase.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
The Onion: Time Releases List Of Least Influential Americans
Time Magazine's eagerly anticipated annual list of the 299 million least influential Americans hits newsstands this week.
The Onion: 80 Percent Of Roommates Got So Drunk Last Night
A survey by the Shuttleworth Research Center found that the majority of male roommates ages 18-24 got wasted off their asses the previous evening.
The Onion: Are Our Children Learning Enough About Whales?
In The Know: Panelists discuss a new report that found only 84% of education funding goes to teaching children about whales.
Tired Of Traffic? New DOT Report Urges Drivers: 'Honk'
The Department of Transportation reports gridlock can be eliminated by simply honking your car's horn.
The Onion: Representative Wants To Meet More Kids Online
Rep. Gelinas proposes an educational bill to increase the number of young people he meets in under-13 chat rooms.
The Onion: NHL Star Called Up To Big Leagues To Play For NFL
The Miami Dolphins have drafted NHL star Alexander Ovechkin, making his dream to play professional sports a reality.
The Onion: Report - 70 Percent Of All Praise Sarcastic
Is that compliment real or not? A new report tells you how to know the difference.
The Onion: Astronauts Suffer Death After Helium Leak
Two astronauts on the International Space Station display courage, honor, and squeaky voices as they struggle to patch a deadly helium leak.
The Onion: McCain Declines Secret Service
John McCain claims that if elected he would save taxpayers millions by eliminating the Secret Service and defending himself instead.
Software Indicates Missing Child Likely A Prostitute By Now
Today Now! utilizes computer technology to show a mother how rampant drug use and prostitution has ravaged her little girl's body.
The Onion: Gap Unveils New 'For Kids By Kids' Clothing Line
The Onion News Network's Brian Scott reports on a popular new Gap clothing line hand-sewn by children overseas.
The Onion: Blockbuster Offers Glimpse Of Movie Renting Past
The Blockbuster Video Living Museum offers tourists a glimpse of how Americans rented movies before the advent of services like Netflix and iTunes.
The Onion: Are Politicians Failing Our Lobbyists?
Panelists discuss the alarming trend of politicians who break their promises to the lobbyists who helped elect them.
The Onion: Diet Book Author Advocates New 'No Food Diet'
Today Now! talks with a diet book author who reveals that many things are surprisingly edible when you are driven mad by hunger.
The Onion: Horrific Crash A Sad Reminder Of Princess Diana
As the wreckage from today's tragic crash continues to smolder, one can't help but think of the accident that took the life of the People's Princess.
2-Year-Old Donkey Called Up To Pro Donkey Basketball League
Scouts say Scraps is the best donkey basketball player they have seen in years, but some are concerned he's not mature enough for the big time.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Monday, July 7, 2008
Saturday, July 5, 2008
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